Unrevealed Feelings

    Nobody has known about this reality yet until right now, especially to someone that I really aimed at all this time. In this page, I'd like to revealed all my truth feelings that have been buried for years with my secret admirer. I knew this wasn't a right way to revealed it all here because it's impossible for him to explore and visited this page that I've created. It shouldn't be a big problem for me if he wouldn't knew about this thing. At least, there were some place where I could expressed all of these insights.

    I've known him since I was still in high school. From the first time, I didn't expect that our simple temporary meeting during that time was really brought me an impressive moments even though we also didn't interact too much while we're joining some event in the past. When I knew him from the first time, I thought that he was a good and ordinary person. 

    Since a long time ago after we've finished joining some event, we rarely interact with each other even we're still met each other everyday. As time went, I didn't realize that feelings were growing more and more, especially towards him. I didn't know why do this feelings came over me. Feelings do always come at indefinite times. I don't have any reason for liking him. There are still many guys that looks more perfect than him, but I didn't know why do my heart still choose him. But, I still didn't know how to express all my feelings to him directly because I felt like we've just become strangers again even though we could still met each other everyday.

    

    There's nothing I can do. Every day I could only stared at him from far away without creating any little moments that are repeated at all like before even if it's just greeting with each other when we met on somewhere. It feels like there are a very large barrier for us to interact each other. I could only keep all my feelings that I buried all that time. At first I thought that no one would know about this, except my close friends. Yeah, I only told this to my close friends even in fact they didn't recognize him. But, they do keep supporting me to make myself closer to him.

    Usually, when people loved someone secretly, if they're not brave enough to interact directly with the person, they could still use another easier way, namely through social media. We followed each other on social media, but we still haven't interact with each other through chats. Because I still didn't know how to start my conversation with him, I could only expressed my feelings with creating some stories in social media. So it felt like I could only dared to expressed my feelings as a codes within stories in social media. Actually, I was quite happy even though he just saw the story that I created without reacting or replying anything to me.

    But someday, when I saw him nearly while me met each other, he suddenly seemed to be deliberately looking away from me. Usually, when we met each other anywhere before, he just seemed neutral and there was nothing any reaction to show to me. At first time, I was thought that it might just my own feeling. But the next day, my hunch is getting stronger that he and his friends might knew that I had a feelings for him even it's secretly. I just still hope that I was just had a negative thinking about that matter. I also even thought that he might also have a misunderstanding about me until he blocked me on social media without telling anything to me. The next week, we followed each other again on social media. But, we still don't have any interaction continuously. 

    I felt like everything has changed. Of course I am nothing for him. He was just my secret admirer. Actually I could felt from my inner mind that he must also had a certain purpose behind his silence and the gaze he looked at me every time we met each other. However, I couldn't immediately gave a statement to myself that he might also had the same feelings as me then it was just only a sense of prestige stood in the way of approaching him. I didn't how long would it be for me to just buried all my feelings to him until I've graduated from school and would never met him anymore.

    Unexpectedly time flies very quickly. It turns out that our meeting is just about staring without having any conversation with each other. It feels like all the hopes that I reached out for him just vanished. Like a plane runway where the plane only hitches to land but will fly back again leaving the airport. I don't know why do I still couldn't get over him, including in fading all my feelings for him. In another side, it's a funny but also a pity moment too that we're really didn't have any interaction with each other, so how am I going to tell all these stories to everyone if we haven't made any memories in that moment since a long time ago?

    I still didn't know is he a really kind person? especially for me? I wouldn't know about it. We really didn't create any memories even just a bit, like having a small conversations. It's enough for me already even though it's just a simple thing that makes me happy. But I don't know why it's impossible for me to happen anymore at that time, even until right now. I would never know what is his true personality like. Maybe it was just my feeling that he is a really mysterious person for me.

    I don't know anymore how I should express all my feelings that I've buried for years directly to him. Meanwhile, we would never ever met each other anymore. We became strangers again. I do still remember about him, but how about he? I think he really forget about me and really don't want to recognize about me anymore. I really want to tell my truth to him that I really liked him and missed our moments while we're still joining some events. But how? What should I do right now?

    Everything has passed. Maybe it's just a sense of regret that's in myself right now. Whether I want it or not, I must received this all. What else can I do? No more. It's time for me to get over him even it's really difficult for me to do. I didn't expected this for about two years that I've been buried my feelings for him. Even we wouldn't met each other anymore, suddenly I still can't stop thinking about continuing to find another ways to re-interact with him even though only through social media. Probably, that makes me always think I'm really stupid and lousy because I still always hoping someone that wouldn't possibly comeback to me, like him.

    If only someday I could interact with him again, I'll be straightforward to tell him all of my buried truthiness to him all this time. It doesn't matter if only he would be hate me, saying any bad words to me, until he blocked me on my all social medias and choose to not recognizing me anymore. The important thing is I've telling all my truth and revealed all my feelings to him. I wouldn't force him to gave a same respond like me. I just want him to know all my truthiness. I also don't want to dwell on regrets. It shouldn't be a problem if someday I'd like to do that things at all, as long as I might have felt relieved after revealing that all.

    Whatever the things that ever happened between us, but I don't feel regret to knew him and liked him secretly.

    Feelings can came anytime. I can't prevent myself to not loving someone, especially for him.